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Time to make some damn good ramen!

by 7d

Alright bitches. Shut your gobs and get ready cause it's time to make some damn good ramen from fuckin scratch!

If you're gonna make ramen right, you need to make fuckin chashu pork. Youll wanna cook this fat fuck the day before you actually wanna eat the ramen. Get a big ass pork belly. You need 2 to 3 pounds of this shit. Roll that bitch up like a sleeping bag and tie it tight like you're into some kinky shit. Then sear the skin in a big ass skillet to hold all the good ass flavors in. Now that that's done, move that fat ass pork belly over to a pot, cause we gotta cook this shit low and slow. In the pot, add soy sauce, mirin (that's some fancy ass rice wine vinegar), cooking rice wine, with some ginger, garlic, a big fuckin leek (rinse the fuck out of a leek. They're dirty bastards), and maybe a few extra spices. How much of this shit should you add? It dont fuckin matter. Cookin ain't about measuring shit. A good cook can eyeball that shit. Once you get all that shit in a pot, it'll need to cover half the pork belly. It needs to poke outta the sauce like your fat ass belly does when you take a bath. Cook that shit on medium/low heat, rotating that fat bastard every 30 minutes for 6 fuckin hours. 6! Fuckin! Hours! Cooking this shit for this long breaks down the proteins or some dumb shit like that so its tender as fuck you're done. Once the 6 hours are done, move the pork into a big ass bowl and strain the sauce over the top, making sure to get all those nasty ass veggies and shit outta there. Then you wanna refrigerate that shit overnight. Cold chashu pork is a helluva lot easier to cut than fresh out the pot. If you want some good ass soft boiled eggs with your ramen, put em in the sauce to marinate overnight. The next day, pull the pork outta the sauce and cut it. Save the sauce. That shit is the tare (aka, the fuckin FLAVOR BOMB! This shit is makes ramen awesome as fuck). If your ass cant wait or dont have 2 days to plan this meal properly, you CAN shred that shit.

Stop drooling over the fuckin chashu pork, cause now it's time to make the broth. Were makin fuckin tonkotsu broth. This shit takes fuckin FOREVER to make, but damn, is it worth it. You'll start with pork bones. Which kind? It doesnt fuckin matter so long as its pork! I used pork neck bones cause it's all I could get, but Babish, the beautiful bastard he is, used pigs feet for his version. Just be aware, the bigger the bones, the easier the cleanup later. First thing we gotta do is clean the bones. Throw those bones in a big ass stock pot and cover with a shit ton of water, then set to a boil. All you're doin here is cookin the nasty shit outta bones. As it cooks, you'll see some nasty ass scum float to the top. Once a good layer of that shit develops, dump that shit in a strainer. Run cold water over it and clean any nasty shit off the bones and toss it back into the stock pot. NOW it's time to make the real broth. Fill the pot back up with water and toss in your "aromatics". This can really be anything. Carrots. Leeks. Ginger. Garlic (you better put fuckin garlic in it). Onions. That's what I put in there, but this is your broth. Put whatever the fuck you want in there. What am I, the ramen police? Anyways, bring that shit to a boil. Make it look like a fuckin vegetable hot tub. Once its gets good and bubbly, reduce the heat and let it cook on medium for at LEAST 8 hours. 8 HOURS MINIMUM! Hell, its should be 12 or more, but you're a hungry fucker. As it cooks, the water should get a golden, slightly murky color to it, like in the picture above. Once that's done, strain that shit into another pot or big ass bowl, making sure to get aaaaaallllll the solid shit outta there. No bones. No veggies. Nothing but amazing broth.

Its noodle makin time, bitches! Now, my dumbass forgot to take pictures of making the noodles. So you'll start with baking baking powder. Bake that shit in an oven for an hour at 200°F. It changes "the alkaline content of the baking powder to create tr he unique texture of ramen noodles" or some sciencey shit like that. Anyways, once that shit is done baking, put two teaspoons of it into 4 oz of water. Now make sure not to touch the baked baking powder. That shit will fuck up your skin if you do. Once that's mixed together, pour your nasty looking grey water into a bowl with about 400 grams of flour. Mix and knead it all together till it forms a smooth ball of dough worthy enough to smack without flour flying back at you. Wrap it in cellophane and leave it alone for about 30 minutes. It needs time to think about what it wants to be when it grows up. Once you've fucked off for 30 minutes, remove the cellophane and roll that shit out with a rolling pin. Now we need to "laminate" it. All you need to do is roll it out flat, then fold into 3rds, the roll it again. Do this shit 3 or 4 times for good measure. If you're awesome like me and have a stand mixer, this next part gets alot easier. If you dont, you gotta roll out the dough as thin as fuckin possible, like, you should be able to almost see through it it's so fuckin thin. Make sure to flour the shit outta whatever your rolling this onto. Once its thinned out, flour the fuck out of both sides and lightly fold it on top of itself in 3 in sections. Then take the sharpest fucking knife you have and carefully cut the folded sheet into strips. Or......noodles. If you're awesome like me and have a stand mixer with a pasta attachment, just use the roller to roll it thinner and thinner, then send it through the cutter. Pretty fuckin simple. But BAM! Either way, you got home made ramen fuckin noodles. No more .79 cent packs for you, mother fucker! Just boil that for, like, a minute. Any more than that and you'll fuckin ruin em. No one wants a soggy noodle.

Ramen! ASSEMBLE! So you need to heat up some of the tare in a small pot. While that's going, get a small skillet and fry up some cuts of that cold ass chashu pork (assuming you have self control and cooked that bitch the day before to refrigerate it) and fry up a few cuts of pork. Put 2 or 3 heaping spoonfuls of tare into a bowl, then fill that bitch up halfway with the tonkotsu broth. Then toss in your noods. Top with your pork, egg, and whatever the fuck else you want in there. Scallions. Menma. Narutomaki. I dont care! You got ramen! From scratch! Fuckin enjoy that shit!

Cute fuckin dog tax.


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